John A Carvosso – author

“Knock, persevere in knocking, and I answer for it that He will open to you in His due time, and grant you all at once what He has deferred during many years.”

^{(From the First Conversation in The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.)}

Prologue

From age 60 to 70, I´ve reflected on my life and found I would willingly exchange it all, to quote Paul, for `the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus´ (Phi 3:8).

At 12 years of age, I formally committed to Jesus, and that year also was Confirmed. But I have always been disturbed by my having no real sense of Jesus´ presence.

Yet `where else is there to go? You have the words of life.´ (Jn 6:68). So `I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word, I put my hope´ (Ps 130:5).

These recent years of reflection on my desire to `know Christ´ (Phil 3:10) have been so great that some days, I was about to die of a broken heart.

As the evangelical poet William Cowper said:

Absence from whom we love.

It is worse than death

and frustrates hope.

Severer than despair.

On the positive side, only the Holy Spirit could give me such a longing.

As St Augustine of Hippo said.

Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you.

The Story

I have tried many prayer counselling people over the recent decades but with no significant breakthrough in coming to know Jesus personally. In the last two or three years, I finally decided to do a silent retreat.

The only people who do that, especially in SA, are the Roman Catholics at Sevenhill, a Jesuit monastery and the oldest wine-making winery in the Clare Valley. I had been reluctant to register, anxious it would be a disaster, with more pain of no connection with God. In 2022, I reluctantly tried to book a place, but it was full. Come December 2023, I felt more positive about applying, and a series of events affirmed it.

A friend had phoned Denise saying the Bishop of the Murray had returned from a Sevenhill Retreat, a changed person. Then, as I was poised over the keyboard to reply, my nephew David arrived to return some items I had loaned him. He said he had been on the eight-day retreat, and you needed the eight days to become in tune with God. He had found it helpful, especially returning late one evening while walking in a thunderstorm!

So, I took the plunge and applied. I felt good about it, and this was the first positive sign that I was on the right track.

I thought that if I was going to a Jesuit retreat, I should read about the Jesuits to understand them better and better understand the Roman Catholic Church regarding a silent retreat. This reading gratified me as they discussed coming to know Jesus and walking with him in his presence. I researched Mariology and the Saints and was relieved that recent popes have clarified that these are aids to connecting with God, not a replacement. The Saints are part of the great cloud of witnesses we have in heaven, and the Catholics see more connection with them than we may see from a Protestant viewpoint.

So, over the two months before I left, I already drifted into a more retreat mindset and approach to life, spending more time in quiet time, calming down and not being so anxious about the desolation and the beast before me. My brother-in-law remarked that I seem to have entered retreat before going.

Friday, 16 March 2023

I decided to go by bus, with Denise collecting me at the end of the retreat, then spending a couple of days together in the Clare Valley to `re-enter´ the world. Waiting at the Franklin Street bus stop, I was calming down. As the bus travelled north, I thought before God, it seemed extravagant to be offering eight days of silence, but then again, you spent 40 days on a silent retreat before you offered up yourself for our salvation. Two young Chinese women also got off at the Sevenhill pub. The Jesuit father picked us up and drove us to the monastery.

We had an evening meal together, five of us, including a Sri Lankin novice preparing for ordination and one retired journalist. There was Sevenhill wine at the table, which I found delightful as we swapped some of our stories. This was the last time we would be talking with each other until the following Saturday. They were most welcoming of me, the only protestant. At the end of the dinner, I said that out of courtesy, I wanted to make sure it would be OK with them that I partook of Holy Communion at 5 pm each day. They all enthusiastically said “yes”, and the Novice said it was now entirely legal from the Catholic church’s viewpoint.

That evening, we had a circle meeting in the upstairs room to take us through housekeeping issues and introduce us to what would happen over the next few days. We were then encouraged to share what we hoped to get out of the week and to ask any questions. I was open about feeling devastated not knowing Jesus. I had been reading about the Ignatius disciplines and wanted to see if we would do any. There was an emphatic `no´. These eight days were simply God doing all the work and you making yourself available to receive. This sounded good. And so, we entered silence. Thus ended the first day.

Saturday, 17 March 2023

I woke up after a good eight hours of sleep. I did my Lectio and Spurgeon quiet time before leaving and having breakfast alone. I then gathered up my bird-watching binoculars and journal book and walked down to a bush track with the 14 stations of the cross. As I walked down there, I thought, should I be taking my binoculars? Then, if you´re wearing glasses to see creation, the binoculars would enable you to see creation in more detail.

I was thinking of how the Catholics were talking about God being `in all things´ with his sustaining power and noticed how all creation groaning is also covered in the crucifixion in that the tree was hewn down to be the cross-bearing Christ. On the stations of the cross, I noticed how often women were mentioned. Mother Mary, Veronica, the women of Jerusalem. Simeon, the foreigner, was the only male said. I asked the Lord to give me a heart to love those who want to be reconciled through repentance and forgiveness.

I placed my hand on my heart to refocus myself as thinking with my whole being rather than just an intellectual exercise. I thought obedience in love was the entire person loving God, as we promised. An example of marriage is a vow to worship her with my body. This is not the legalism use of God’s word, of your word, Lord.

I felt it as I walked around Sevenhill, both on the grounds and surrounding bush, that there was an atmosphere of peace and tranquillity; I was already moving firmly from Desolation to Consolation and centring down very quickly. I pondered the idea of discerning the spirits, which is what is good and what is terrible coming out of me. I had read of the analogy of two dogs fighting, and the question was, which one would win? The one I feed. Thus, I pondered on.

We were all there in silence at lunch, but being with other people for a while was lovely. In the afternoon, I had my little nap and spent some time in the church, just listening quietly. 4:00 came around quickly. I was now to meet with my spiritual director. She encouraged me to keep working at thinking with my whole being and not just doing an intellectual exercise. And gave me a couple of gospel passages to do what I would call gospel story immersions (Catholics call ‘positional’).

How delighted I was that the first one suggested was Bartimaeus, the blind man receiving his sight at Jericho as Jesus walked to Jerusalem for the final time (Mark 10:46-52, Luke 18:35-43). Recently, I have been listening to the simple song “Pass me not, O gentle Saviour”, a song I found to be a lament that connected with me, “pass me not”. So, I read the passage several times, reflecting on how to immerse myself into the story. I quickly decided to take on the role of blind Bartimaeus, who could not see Jesus—and entered this the following day.

At 5:00 pm, we had what they called the Eucharist, a familiar term from my youth. Again, it was lovely to be with the others, even though it was in the liturgy and the Jesuit father sitting in front of us to lead the service and give his homily—the homily, which was quite personal, insightful and helpful.

Then followed dinner, which again, as in the previous night and all the subsequent nights, there were two bottles of red and two of white. It was an excellent way to relax after a surprisingly exhausting day, even though I had been relaxed and just walking, sitting, thinking, and listening. The Sri Lankan deacon made sure my glass was topped up!

That evening was another cloudless sky with no moonlight, so there was a glorious view of the heavens and the Milky Way.

Sunday, 18 March 2023

Some evenings, I walked up and down my room with my headphones on and listened to the Bible being read. I was doing the 40-day Bible reading, so there’s quite a bit to get through, but I seem to be enjoying it a lot more, relaxing and listening. So, I had an early breakfast at 6:00. About 7:30 am; I was out with my binoculars and, during a quiet walk, this time down to a pond and seeing a different range of birds and thinking about how the Lord sustains all of creation because of his life-giving presence. And this includes me. He gives me breath and being, therefore, prayer is the response to his company, so I relaxed and enjoyed his life-giving presence, giving me stuff as they came upon me. And I asked this to be, not by my might, but by your love, Lord.

I am thinking of how to get my whole being into a better position with God, not just thinking but also listening to God’s word, to others, and his whispers in my thoughts and discerning the good `spirits´ from the bad.

Later that morning, I entered the church and started the gospel immersion into the Bartimaeus story. The previous day, I had sat at the back of the church, and today, I was sitting one row forward. I would take another row forward each day as some prophetic act of getting closer to God and comfortable in his presence.

And so, I was sitting as Bartimaeus behind the noisy crowd Mark 10:46f. The groups were said to be afraid, and Jesus´ followers were astonished at how Jesus strode out at the front, fixed on getting to Jerusalem. Nevertheless, I cried to Jesus, `Son of David, have mercy on me´. Those around me rebuked me and told me to be quiet, but I shouted all the more, `Son of David, have mercy on me!´.

Suddenly, Jesus stopped, and the crowd stopped. I could tell by what I could hear. And then I listened to a distant call from Jesus, so those around me said, `Hey, cheer up, be on your feet! He’s calling you!´ So, following the text, I threw my cloak aside, thinking what a silly thing to do as a blind man—I will never find it again. So, I came to Jesus through the crowd, which parted as I went. I realised I was blind; therefore, I couldn’t see Jesus. I could only turn to where he was from the sound, and then he said to me, quite close; ‘what do you want me to do for you?‘ I thought to myself, will I say I want to see? And what does that mean? Then I said, don’t use your mind too much on this. Just say it, `I want to see´. And as the passage says, he received his sight of Jesus, so I, too, saw Jesus.

Not a full vision but a real sense and almost visual sense of his being there for me, and I had the picture in my mind of him reaching out and putting his hand on my head and breathing on me as he said, `Go! Your faith has healed you’. And so, I could find my cloak, and I followed Jesus with the rest of the crowd as he once more set forth at a determined pace for Jerusalem.

I found myself shaking off the reverent, solemn understanding of Jesus from stern bible readings in church to seeing Jesus´ humanity side, as in The Chosen series. I entered more into the spontaneity and emotions of the moment, including cheerfulness, playfulness, love and joy. Things are said in love, not legalism, so that reconciliation may happen. I started to have an honest and confident sense of your presence and could respond to your company. I wanted to answer. Not just `faking it until I make it´.

Do I need to change? Am I too fierce in doing it in my strength and resolution instead of lovingly obedient to you, Lord? And seeking the best for others in love. To have a spirit of kindness while doing what is right. More strongly understanding that the heart is the seat of the union of the mind, body and soul. It’s not a cartesian and dualistic idea of the world.

Proverbs 13:12 was coming alive for me. Instead of languishing in the quotation of `hope deferred makes the heart grow sick´, but firmly moving on to `longing fulfilled is the tree of life´. Yes, I was starting to feel the vine´s sap flowing from the true vine to me rather than feeling like a cut-off branch discarded away from life (John 15:5).

At the 5:00 pm Eucharist, I went 3/4 of an hour earlier to join some of the others who were having what they called the exposition. This is where the Catholics sit in the presence of Christ in the reserved wafer, the body of Christ, in what they call a monstrance from the word demonstration. So quite a few of the retreatees sat quietly and looked at the cross. Being protestant, I was more inclined to bow my head in Christ´s presence and pray or listen. I redid the Bartimaeus gospel immersion story, so Jesus again came more clearly with a hand on my forehead and asked, `What do you want?´. Then I saw a loving smiling face and a homespun woven sleeve of his cloak. For this accurate picture, I gave thanks. The Eucharist followed, then dinner, and then an early night. The day was becoming more dreamlike, and there was no call to do much reading books I had brought along. I just listened to the Bible audio or read the Bible during my whole time away.

Monday, 19 March 2023

I got eight hours of sleep and I was refreshed for the new day.

Start the day thinking of Jesus as my beloved, from the Song of Songs with the relationship of myself being the beloved and Jesus being the lover. I had started to find myself able to refer to Jesus as my beloved. This shows how much I had moved into a deep personal relationship with him—6:30 am breakfast and then Lectio. I saw a sensed Jesus sitting with me during the Lectio. I had a strong sense, almost visual, of Jesus sitting next to me with his arm around my shoulder.

This morning, I walked down to Sevenhill to have a coffee and write my journal. I thought of Sarah in Genesis 21:6, saying God has brought me laughter, and at that point, I heard my first set of kookaburras laugh. Jesus said that for `today, just enjoy my presence!´

I could say to Jesus, I will not impose any conditions or expectations, but walk trusting you. The breadth of this embrace was not limited to Jesus towards me but included the Saints of all believers and even the whole of creation being upheld, sustained, and loved by God.

You are my beloved ‘s, and my beloved is mine (Song of Songs 2:16).

After lunch, I did a walk down along the path of the stations of the cross. As I approached, Jesus urged me to trust him more fully and be open to his graces, not my strength. Jeremiah 18:4 has the potter asking to trust him to reshape the clay pot, me, as he saw best. Remould me, Lord, into the pool which seems best to you. To get to the clay, I had to remove my thick steel armour, but he showed me that the armour was, in fact, only a thin stainless steel sheet with clips that just unclipped and fell off, revealing the fresh, malleable clay beneath. This was an enormous step forward. I was prepared to replace my strength and armour with Psalm 27:1, `the Lord is my stronghold of my life´, not me.

I walked with a focus on being in and feeling God’s presence. As a light-hearted response, I remember the song of my youth: `Bend me, shape me, any way you want me, long as you love me, that’s alright, you’ve got the power to turn on the light!´ Also, the song `I’ll follow him … I love him, I love him´.

As I felt Jesus remove the steel armour, plate by plate, I stood submissive like an upper-class person before a servant before the Lord of Lords. Then you start to remould me, which fingers lovingly and expertly you are moulding me to what you seem best to you. What are you making me into, and what will I be able to contain?

I recalled the past dream of a few years ago when Jesus was skippering a fast-moving sailing skiff, and I was on a trapeze outstretched with the kite up on a tight reach. It is a lot of fun, high speed, and lots of spray in the face. Deep trust in each other. The same Jesus now, but when I’m awake.

Letting go of the past that defined me came with pictures. Like a train engine unhooking the carriages and then free to go forward swiftly with the carriages in loving care, which left me free. A three-stage rocket, letting go of the massive 1st and 2nd stages during a brief period of silence and weightlessness before the third stage fires, unencumbered by the past.

Tuesday, 20 March 2023

Eight hours of sound sleep again!

I listened to Lectio before breakfast. It talked about the betrayal of Jesus. Help me, Jesus, to talk with you and write of you as the second person here, and now thank you for firmly grasping my uplifted hand.

You have carefully removed my armour and now remolding me as best for you (Jeremiah 18:4).

I was walking outside with you, thinking and talking about you remolding me and showing yourself to me more tangibly. I was thinking carefully about the gravity of saying `I trust you´ (a brief thought that I didn´t have much to lose at this late stage of life) and only uttered the first two words `I trust´ when I looked up and saw a thumbnail-sized bright piece of a rainbow in the sky. Your sign of your promise! Now it expanded into a half-arc rainbow, a twin rainbow as if your response to my mustard seed of faith.

I walked part way to Penwortham and saw a grebe duck and a yellow thornbill just when turning back. Am I becoming more sensitive to Jesus´ suggestions for me?

Considering the mushrooms at my feet as I sat outside the church. They were not there yesterday but now here and they will always come back periodically. A parable?

Awaken love in me, Jesus, for it is time! From the Song of Songs. It made my heart leap for joy.

Isaiah 43:18-19 `Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I’m doing a new thing. Now, it springs up! Streams in the wasteland.´

Lord, I will not dwell on the past, but look for the new thing you are doing!

Breathe on me! Reading Luke and John about the upper room with Jesus appearing just after the Emmaus pair had returned to the upper chamber. Showing his hands and feet, asking for something to eat, and breathing on them to receive the Holy Spirit later. Real flesh and bone! I hoped Matthew was getting all the final teachings that Jesus was imparting this last time! When Jesus asked for something to eat, I beat Martha and Mary in finding a piece of fish and handing it to him, incredulous as he slowly ate it in silence before us all!

Yes, he breathed on me again, and this time he placed two hands on my head, not just one hand.

My spiritual director challenged me to know and verbalise my feelings during the above. To be more attuned to my senses.

How to move from just observing you to being fully engaged. Away from just observing with the mind to engaging with my whole being and heart. Or can I relax and soak it all up? He loves me as I am. He is sincere.

Wednesday, 21 March 2023

Another eight hours of sleep!

During the night, I went outside and enjoyed the beautiful black sky with bright stars and a blazing Milky Way.

I saw Jesus in another way today. I turned to him and said, ‘you appear to me as the Galilean, but you are the Lord of Lords, very God of very God’. And at that moment, as he was sitting next to me on the log, he suddenly appeared in a gorgeous blue, green, gold cope and with a gold crown upon his head, in majesty and strength. He crowned yet sitting with me in the scrub!

Asking to be filled with your Holy Spirit, trusting in God’s promises and no longer trying to twist his arm with his promises.

I had two dreams last night, and I considered them:

a) I saw large fluffy parrots in pairs, brightly coloured with wide bands of red, green, blue, and yellow. They were over-the-top in vividness and fun.

b) flying to a far-off island where rain pours infrequently but so heavily that everybody in the small town bolts to take cover. Is this a revival outpouring coming?

Sitting in the church, a few more rows further forward than the first day, noting having been spending time with Jesus but not hearing other than the gospel words. So I repeated Samuel´s words, `Speak, Lord, for I’m listening.´ Gospel story immersion today was Matthew 18, where disciples argue about who is the greatest. I imagine being John, feeling a bit smug because I knew I was in the inner circle, was at the transfiguration, and was the disciple Jesus loved. But Jesus looked around at us all, including me, and said, `Unless you change and become like little children.´ And he reminded us that the guardian angels in heaven see his father´s face. At the 5:00 pm Eucharist, I had a potent reminder of Grace and Samuel Alsop on my mind.

I may need to chat with Jesus as I did after primary school with Mum. I would rush home and stand by my mother´s side as she prepared afternoon tea, a honey sandwich and a glass of milk. I would chatter and she would smile and listen to me. Lord, I’ll chat more to you now that I know you love me, listen to me, and pour graces into me.

I noticed my thoughts had been godly without striving for the last four days, and no distracting unholy thoughts or intrusive images and words. Is this an experience of the old Wesleyan perfectionism of my ancestors? Would he be experienced during everyday tasks? Brother Lawrence (The practice of the presence of God) says yes. Thank you, Lord, for gifting me these past few days. Blesse be you, my beloved. ‘For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true.´ Ephesians 5:9 NLT

I want to listen more carefully and attentively to you, too. That evening, while walking in the dark, Jesus said I will heal your restless leg syndrome.

Thursday, 22 March 2023

Jesus says to me receive. Yes, I trust you to receive from you, my beloved.

I walked to the quarry lookout, practising chatting to Jesus, some silence, and some bird watching. Returning to the church and now sitting another row further forward, my gospel immersion this morning was Mark 8:27-30. Jesus is looking at us and saying, `Who do you say I am?´. Peter says, `The Messiah, the Son of God.´ The enormity of such a statement, both cosmically and as a personal friend of Jesus the Son of God, makes you infinite yet all-loving. The known universe has over 25 trillion galaxies, and more is yours, and you sustain it, but you walk and talk with me, full of grace, truth, and love. What am I to receive from you these three remaining days? There is no terrifying abyss or void before me this week while you are with me. Redeemer of the world!

I walked the labyrinth, a meditative walk and in doing so, did the examine. Each change in direction causes changing thoughts.

More just listening and being with God. Jesus said, `I’ll never leave you nor forsake you.´ I felt assured.

More living from the heart, the seat of my being into which Jesus breaths his sustaining breath.

Friday, 23rd of March 2023

Nine hours of sleep.

Walked to the Sevenhill bakery. Jesus said, `You´re precious to me in my sight.´ I replied, you are too wonderful. Jesus said, `It doesn’t matter whether other men think you are too spiritual or not like them. Talk anyway about me.´ Jesus again says, `Unless you change to rise above “who is the greatest” and become one of these children, this is what I require´.

Jesus wants me to chatter with others, not concerned about how they see me but with love, care, kindness, and patience.

Jesus replies, `Yes! Not out of anger and frustration!´ and with a heart of compassion. `Don’t worry about planning the future and what it will be like and what it will look like. It will unfold and, in time, reveal the path I will walk with you.

I reply, `Now I can ask you for more´. Jesus says, `There is much more to experience and know. Be continually open to receiving what pleases me.

Thinking over coffee, do I put the lantern under a bushel, especially after church services?

Gospel immersion — Storm on the lake Matthew 4: 35-41 Jesus laid down in the boat, exhausted with great weariness. Please help me in times of fatigue to be moved with compassion as you were and to do your will. Jesus says, `Be not fearful; I can change the atmosphere in a moment!´. I reply, `You set sail just as you were, exhausted and exhausted even more than I was at Annabel´s and David´s weddings! You were pressed in on every side by events and people to care for, talk with, and with little sleep. You were there at the weddings, and you sustained me. Thank you.

Grape harvesters continually travel on the roads everywhere!

Jesus says, `Be still. Take time alone with me, and I will refresh your spirit´. Seeing Jesus walking before me, he part turns and waves me forward. `Follow me´, he says. Yes!

I was watching five pardalotes on an electric wire playing leapfrog. I noticed New Holland Honeyeaters watching me, listening to my phone music. Catching two wedgetail eagles soaring high above the hill but seemingly constantly aware of where each other was yet so far from each other. A parable?

Songs I was listening to and singing: There Is a Redeemer, Pass Me Not O Gentle Saviour, like a River, Bless It Assurance, and various songs from Sounds like Reign, leading to ponder on justice and mercy. Does this require me to write weekly or monthly to MPs about justice in love?

Late in the day, in the church, I heard a middle-aged couple singing. They soon stopped and came over to me and revealed that they were of Polish descent; therefore, they love visiting this church both for its acoustics and Polish heritage. They asked me if I was one of the Jesuit priests!

Saturday, 25th of March 2023

9 hours of sleep!

I was thinking about planning my next steps in life, but Jesus said, `Leave that with me´.

These past years of restless legs and poor sleep have taught me to live hour by hour, day by day. Now I know you are with me, and your Spirit directs my thoughts. May I now be more attuned!

Jesus says, `Learn to live in the moment, cherishing with sharp attention and enjoyment´. Be with Martin Luther King, who declared, `I have decided to love´. Practice gratitude in every moment, past event and the future too.

19th century Hassidism Rabbi Kotzk, `God dwells wherever men let him in´. Come, Lord Jesus; the door of my heart is open.

Matthew 11:28-29 `Come unto me all you who are heavily laden´ came to mind. Now, it was no longer just a promise but a reality. Jesus says, `Take my yoke upon you and learn from me´. `The yoke is not hitched to your past burdens which wearied you. I’m caring for those for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul´. With the past unhitched, it does feel exceptionally light, no burden. And you are guiding me, and you are with me. You are stepping out on a new adventure with companionship, dear Lord Jesus and the Spirit.

Sitting in the church and another row forward. `I want you to grow more into the John I know and knew even before I formed you in the womb, to become the image of God yet uniquely John, loved by me in my sight. Be my John and be not afraid.´

God looks into the heart, not into our minds.

Annunciation day: Mary was given tangible proof of the archangel Gabriel´s prophecy by sending her to Cousin Elizabeth, who was six months pregnant with John the Baptist. Elizabeth exclaimed when she felt John leap in her womb, `Blessed are you amongst women…´ (Luke 1:41-42). She and I had nothing to offer God except ourselves. I say yes.

After the last Eucharist, Saturday night, the retreat silence was broken and a wonderful meal, debriefing, singing, and sharing in the evening. When I shared in the upper room, my spiritual director wanted me to limit it to two things. But everyone enthusiastically wanted to hear more from me!

The retreat has ended.

Epilogue

Two further days in the Clare Valley with my wife, Denise, then returned to Adelaide. As I walked through the front door noticed Jesus’s presence. I said, “you are here too!”. Jesus replied cheerily, “I’m everywhere!”. I did not turn the TV on for four weeks, such was the enjoyment of just being with Jesus.

“Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day – and not only to me but also to all who have longed for his appearing.”

2 Timothy 4:8 NIVUK